Change the name of the game

- "So that double standards dumb-ass that you call friend is giving you hell!"

- "Please don't call him so"

- "Honey that's what you call him when you aren't drowning in your tears like you are now"

- "I hate him and I hate you"

- "So if you are that angry, just go tell him you are angry there is no use bottling up your anger"

- "I will not tell him I am angry. When I tell him I am angry and I keep blaming him, what I am actually doing is giving him a chance to pretend to be the patient person who puts up with my ranting. Then, he would throw in a half hearted apology that he thinks would wipe the slate clean."

- "That's not enough for you, huh?"

- "No, it is not enough. I don't blame and cry and get the drama queen out to get the same attitude. I want an amended attitude."

- "But sweetheart, you are wasting your energy. You can't change the people to suit your preferences."

- "I am not."

- "You want an amendment. That is a change in its essence."

- "But I want things to go back to how they used to."

- "Nothing remains the same. But if you want a change so bad, you have got to make a decision to change them yourself. Change the name of the game."

- "Or maybe I should end it. It is better to have no game."

هذه المرة

هذه المرة و أنت تهجرني لن تنهمر دموعي

كنت تشكو إلي مني كما هي عادتك القبيحة

هذه المرة لن أسعى لمنعك سأتركك لتذهب و لن تجد عشرات الرسائل مني تسألك عما أغضبك و لا رسالة واحدة تطلب مغفرتك

هذه المرة لن أعلن عن حزني لن يكون الأسود لون ملابسي الوحيد

لن أؤجل حفل عيد ميلادي حتى تعود. سأقف و أطفئ شمعة أخرى في عمري. و أحزن على عام أخر أمضيت أيامه إلى جوارك

ربما أبكي و أندم على أني انتظرت منك أن ترضى بما قسم الله لنا. ربما أقول لك ما كتمت طويلا. ربما أسألك لما لم تفعل شيئا !

لماذا ساقتك قدامك لتجد الأمان مع غيري ؟ لما تركت الحال على ما هو عليه و سعيت لترتاح بين ذراعي أخرى ؟

تراني أمي حائرة فتسأل عنك دون تردد ثم تلوموني و تتهمني بيتدليلك

لا أجد عزاء في صورنا سويا لكني أنظر إليها كأنها عمري كله

أتألم لفراقك كثيرا وكأني فقدت أسرتي بأكملها أو كأني فقدت طفلي حتى من فقدن أطفالهن يبقى لديهن الأمل

أتعرف ما الأمل؟ أم أنك تجمعه مع باقي أغراضك وانت تجهل ماهيته؟

Your First Breath

He touches my face again, I know he is going to do it again and that it will hurt like hell.

"Come on, don't be scared. You know very well that no one dies out of this."

His hand slides to my neck and now his thumb and his index squeeze my neck.

"You know that the first breath you will take, after I release, will feel good." He whispers.

I don't resist, cause I have grown accustomed to not resisting his madness and foolishness. After all, my silence was perhaps an approval of his second attempt to bring me joy.

He finally lets go of my neck, "Feels good, right?"

I just nodded: "Yes, feels good cause I needed the air so bad."

And that's the story of us, he holds or releases me whenever he sees appropriate. With my needs irrelevant, he only gives when he things receiving would be the maximum joy I could experience.

Paulo Coelho said

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."

Thought of the day

I'm single, not crippled!

A Secret

There is a look of comfort and confidence in the eyes of a woman emotionally secure, that attracts other men.

I am craving onions

افتكرلك إيه يا بصلة كل عضه بدمعة
...

Minor Emotional Outburst

She fought her tears as she said: "You never miss me, not at all."
He was startled with nothing to say in his defense but: "Who says so!"

His answer drove her nuts. She wanted to go on and on about how much he disregarded her and perhaps ignored her. Victimised by her powerful memory, she was flooded by a history of situations where she was simply overlooked. Anyone else can come before her. She never felt worthy of his emotional or moral support.

"But you can
Walk away
Run alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
Baby"

"It is vibes." She mentally rejected mentioning particular situations.
"You know I am not mainstream, think anti-mainstream."
"Is that even a word?" That's all she could say, she couldn't hold her tears anymore.

He tried to comfort her. The one thing he has been failing to do recently.
Perhaps, she didn't know why she wanted him anymore and hence she purposefully aborted every trial of his to improve the situation. Perhaps, it is his constant confusion that kept her from looking up to him like before.

She was coming to the sad realisation that she has caught more speed on the start of their relationship and was now ahead of him. Her vision of the relationship was based on her wishes for the best rather than facts. It seems she had fallen for the image she built in her head for him, instead of falling for the real him.

He grabbed her by the shoulder and held her close. She resisted at first just to make him feel bad, then yielded in. She wondered inside her head: "Is that really where I should be?"

"You should take some time maybe sleep on it tonight
You should take some time baby hear the words I said
You should take some time think about your life
You should take some time before you throw it all away"

He whispered to her: "I am sorry." Then he kissed her and added: "We are OK."

And hence he successfully prevented her from contemplating all those questions inside her head. However, he has done absolutely nothing to make her feel any better.

"I ain't got the time
To sit here and wait around
But I got the time
If you say I'm what you want"

Why we aren't really OKAY?

I am angry.
It feels like I was his friend, but he was never mine. I talk to him, he listens without a reaction. He would hardly ever share anything about himself. I am not allowed into his comfort zone.
I would (willingly) go places for him, and I naturally expect him to be giving. I would never intentionally annoy him, hence, I never thought my tolerance would be used. There are times, I wanted and tried to make him feel special. But I was never on the receiving side of that equation.

"Are we okay?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.
"I am sorry."
"It is not about apology. Apology doesn't mean that I would automatically feel better."
"But you cried over my shoulder."
"It doesn't mean that the bad you have done has been undone."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you keep on building walls between us with your attitude. And I go places to bring them down. Guess what, this wall is for you to practice breaking the ice."
He softly touches my shoulder saying: "It is okay."
I want to scream from the top of my lungs: "It is not fucking okay." But I don't voice out this feeling. I just say: "If I said what is on my mind, you would be hurt."
The ideas keep running back and forth in my head faster than the speed of light. I think maybe I should tell him what I really think and enjoy the relief and lose him forever. Or perhaps, it is just wise to let go of my anger at the gym and come back feeling better.

What a million hugs cannot compensate for is the fact that I felt like the worthless secondary option he has after he is done with the more interesting things in life. That's what I meant when I cried and asked: "Why are you doing this to me?"
I could be very good at coaxing him and lifting his spirits when he allows me. I can't say that my tricks would work on me, if he ever bothered test them. However, I would say that I can't bring this last wall down on my own and I don't know how to have it broken down.

"We ARE okay, right?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.

Babe, you seriously need...

to hunt me down!

Mayo's Ultimate Guide to Losing a Guy (works also on jerks)

Last night I was with a friend who decided that she wants to ditch a guy. It is necessary to mention that this girl was a run-away bride once; she manages to escape a guy but not drive him away. I don't remember walking out on a guy; I always remember driving them away. There is a certain philosophy and strategy associated with that. I will tell you all about it in the upcoming tips.

Of course most of the below guide is based on true stories, I hope no one takes offense when they read it. I will not mention names. :)

Commitment phobics: you are going to love this.

1. It is all about the selection:
This is easy. You have to have the wrong guy, the impossible guy, the taken guy, you name it. Start with the guy who needs work, knowing that you are not up to all that effort. This is not mandatory, my tips can work on a perfect match too.

2. The other woman:
Now the other woman exists in all relationships. You can be the other woman (ie go for the married guy) or you can go for your friend's ex, or the guy who was ditched by your friend, a guy with a female best friend. How does this serve the inevitable break up?? Well, the fact that he did like your friend before, or any other woman that you know, will torture you keep you up all night. You will have no outlet of your emotions except to vent out at him.

3. Be Annoyingly Jealous:
You should not accept his personal space, his friends, his late night outings with guy friends, his late working hours and of course "the other woman". These are his ways of avoiding you.

4. Create Unnecessary Confrontations:
Of course, this is highly recommended after the best dinner ever or better after a friend's wedding or engagement. Go and tell him: "I feel like there is a glass wall between us, it is not like the old days anymore". You should also try to shed a tear then.

5. Embrace his Obscurities:
This is obvious: Men and jerks alike prefer to bail out on those who supported them in their weak hours. So always be supportive and clingy in his lows he will always want you out of his life once he is back on his feet again.

6. Create Socially Uncomfortable Situations:
As easy as it sounds: hold his hand in front of the "big mouthed" common friend. Insist on PDA. Stare at him when you think he is doing something stupid (in a mommy like manner).

7. Go Nuts on him When You Feel he Comfortable
Just when you feel he is comfortable being himself with you, go ahead and take the liberty of disappearing, blocking him on instant messaging, not answering his calls. This is recommended when group activity is involved. Now everyone would know there is nasty gossip and something is going wrong between you.

8. Share Details
Men hate details. Use that: tell him about the dates of your periods, your pms and your ovulation. Believe me: even if he listens, he isn't the least interested.

9. Make Promises that You Can't Keep
Learn this trick from him. It is good practical training.

10. Bluff
No man likes to be played with.

That's all for me ladies. I can't be a worse friend now that I am recommending ways to lose the guy. Anyway, I hope you are all old and wise enough to know who is to be lost without regret and who is to keep.

I can't forgive you!

A half hearted apology, that aims at listening to a few blame words then restarting the counter and feeling fresh, leaves me so upset. Don't count on me in giving you the a fake courage of having listened to blame.
You can't tell me you are sorry for being a nasty weird bitch and expect me to let go of the anger I have been bottling up for a few weeks. I am a woman, I can hold on to this anger forever.
If you want to apologise for being weird and claim you are having a hard time, stop being weird so I can listen to you.
And just for the record: No, it wasn't when the time was wrong.

If you can't say it on FB or MSN, you have your blog

So here I am, doing one of the most irritating things ever. Here you go an annonymous PDA. I miss him but I can't stand the idea of seeing him or talking to him.
I don't like to be taken for granted. I can't handle the feeling of being around a person who is a miser about his emotion.
And let me be honest, people see me always independant, the moment I need support or ask for it they are shocked. As if it is shameful that I am a little weak.
And even if I am asking for support cause I need to be pampered, what is so bad about it.
It is extremely uncomfortable when people are emotionally distant because they are overwhelming themselves with new misery from around the globe. Even worse, they would go the extra mile for anyone but you. You are the strong girl.
I am not strong, you have to occassionally take care of me. I know I used to make my own sandwiches with I was in school. I know I paid for my masters and my car and I know I can handle all the shit. But then don't I desrve a shoulder to lay my head on after all the shit, or in the breaks between every troublesome day and the following one.
I am wondering if people see me as emotionally undeserving or they see me as not in need for emotions. Is everyone I know practically selfish, sissy and gay? Why is it always easier to tell me NO, than to say it to anybody else?
And finally.. I will not admit to you that I have been missing you, because you haven't done anything worthy of being missed.

The Wisdom I Learned in 28 Years

No one cares about your back pain, or any other sort ailment you might be going through, except your mother, and your new boyfriend (if you have been in his life for less than a month)

Having a migraine!

Every time I have one of those migraine fits I promise myself I am going to document how it feels, physically and emotionally. But when it is over, I barely find the strength to remember it again.

After being the victim of migraine for over two years now, I am making peace with it, talking about it and admitting that it makes me some times angry that I want to bang my head into the wall. It makes me sad, that I wish my life would end. It causes me pain beyond belief.

The Triggers

Usually, stress does it for me. But since I am documenting today only, I will tell you about this time. It was a picture. 2 days ago, I found a pin badge of a picture of me and someone else. The looks in our eyes tore through my heart. I looked things that I don't look like any more; little relaxed, secure and boastful. I brushed off the picture, threw it back where it was in the drawer. The thoughts I spent the remains of the day pondering on were means by which I can dispose this pin badge.

That day was also busy with exams and studying. I spent a lot of time using the computer and going back to the book. At 7 I left the house and drove some 15 kms for the exam and then back home. Right after I got out of the exam, I felt some cramps on the left thigh and the small of my back.

I got home that night at 11, after avoiding a couple of offers to meet some people.

The Silent Aggravation

I had intended to go shopping on Thursday morning. But all plans to do anything or meet up with anyone just crack up. Some overwhelming avoidance takes over me. So I didn't buy what I wanted to wear to meet up with friends. I even in the early hours of Thursday, made plans to meet another group of people on the other side of town.

I wanted to hide, I got dressed in very plain clothes, my hair was a mess and I didn't care. I picked up a couple of friends and took the ring road to the other side of town. Totally ignoring who I was meeting on our side of town. But I left with a note that I might come late.

When I didn't show up, I received a subtle blame on the phone. I was driving. That blame came during a 30 minute drive in the crowded old Cairo. Then and only then, I realized I had escaped the other meeting without sufficient justification. It hit me that I wanted to go and perhaps I was punishing myself.

Then and only then, I asked my companions if any of them had some pain killers for headache. But when they said they had, I thanked them because I thought that the medication was too powerful for someone who will drive in an hour and needs to remain alert.
The fresh air, the scent of old Cairo and its people didn't do anything to take my mind off the fact that I had been mean to myself.

Right after I left,I was so dizzy trying to find out why the Turkish coffee didn't work, and why I am on my way home. I had ideas of calling on of my friends going out.

The Attack

I had my little laptop on! I was staring at the screen aimlessly. I needed to talk and I needed a friend. The pain, that had extended across my left arm and leg, and the left side of my face was unbearable and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I kept drying them and telling myself that I am fine and it is ok to be a little upset sometimes.

My feelings of anger were really sharp then, so was my sadness and disappointment at matters that mean nothing. I had never felt that fragile before. Thoughts, bad and angry, were racing through my head at speed of light. Only one person was on my mind with a lot of mixed feelings. "I hate you ... Don't leave me!" "I love you ... Go away!"
With the same pace of the thoughts, memories were going in my head. All about the same person. Good memories, bad ones. Major highs, ultimate disappointments.
Then fears of what I want and what I might do. I felt so much anger inside me that could have killed me. I felt so much false hope that I wanted to laugh at myself.
I kept crying and crying in my dark room hoping that the pain would go away, but I didn't. I was covered in sweat, motionless and aching until it was almost dawn.

The Aftermath

As the sun was rising, my body was cold so cold and I wanted a cover. I decided to get up to get it. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit up, lean on arm or bend a leg. I went back to where I was. Lifting up my arm, I looked at my palm and moved it with a lot of pain, every joint hurt. By mid day I started moving around again with less pain. But my head still hurt, it was hurt to move my face, neck or lips. I was as if a truck had just passed over me. I had no energy to do anything in the world.

Confused

Shouldn't I be happy?
I should. I am counting down towards my final days at my current job, which I hate.
If you need more reference to how much I loved my job, go here.
There is no way that anyone can get rid of regret. Even when you choose the best of two bad options, or when you walk away from trouble, or when you quit a bad habit, or even have a new hobby.
You would always counter argue the benefits of your current situation with stuff like: I could have delayed my decision, I could have fought a little longer and got some privileges, Smoking was bad but fun, I can spend hours at the gym but it is very expensive.
So for my job, I could have made a right decision to go there to the best of my knowledge then.. But know to the best of my knowledge, I can't stay there for one more month.

Did I mention that one of my friends thinks that this job was slimming down my chances in getting married? Or did I tell you that my professor tells me that I am lair and a thief for accepting that job? Not that I agree with any of them, but this information would make me look more of a victim to the 5 people who will read this post.

I also found a cockroach in my coffee, the AC hasn't been working for over a month and the toilets and the dirtiest ever.

But all that wouldn't have mattered, if any of the assignments I had worked on had seen the light. I wouldn't have mattered if sick leaves were not deducted from my annual vacation balance. And finally, if I didn't have to rewrite each document no less than 30 times just to get it out in the perfect shape and have it thrown away.

Life is too short to spend in a job you don't like. It is also too short to spend jobless. All situations are unfair.

صياغة

كريم حيث أن العلاقات الإنسانية لا يسعها ان تزداد حساسية أو تعقيداً أو حباً عن هذه العلاقة
يستأذن كريم ليقوم بالمشوار الصغير المعروف وهو زيارة الحمام بينما تجلس هى حائرة فى وحدتها فهى لا تعرف عن العالم إلا قليلاً ولا تستوعبها دونما ارشادته
أما هو مرشدها و حامل الراية والقائد لا يعرف مشاعره إتجاهها ولا يعرف إذا كان يريد الإرتباط بها أم لا وهى لا تسأل ولا تتسأل تتركه يستمتع بحريته. الحرية التى يسعى لها بكل جوارحه
يعود من مشواره الصغير ليقول:داليا أنا حاسيبيك
داليا: حتسيبنى؟
كريم: مش قصدى . أنا بس قصدى أنى لازم أمشى دلوقتى
داليا: بس دى طريقة غريبة قوى لصياغة الجملة سعدت داليا بنفسها سراً لاستخدامها لفظ صياغة
كريم: تصبحى على خير يا خير يا حبيبة قلبى
داليا: تصبح على خير يا كريم

تراجعت داليا فى كرسيها وجذبت خصلات شعرها فهذا هو الشئ الوحيد الذى تفعله دون الحاجة إلى مشورة او نصيحة من كريم. قالت لنفسها فى بؤس بس انت أصلأ يا كريم عمرك ما كنت معايا علشان تسيبنى

ثم أستدارت: زيزو التشيك بتاعى أنا وكريم من فضلك

فرد عليها: لا يا فندم استاذ كريم دفع الحساب تأمرى بحاجة تانية؟

Untitled

Yesterday, as I was driving, or rather stuck inside, my car through some intersection in Gezert ElArab St., in the fancy Mohandessien, a little female beggar approached me. She put her fingers on the door, and stuck her head out looking at me through the closed window. She didn't say anything, I didn't say anything either. We both know what she wants, and she is so busy fearing the worst.

The car in front of me moved so I had to move with it to get out of that hell. I signaled her to get away. Needless to mention, I lost track of when I had become so heartless. After I stopped some 1 meter ahead, she came back. I kept looking at her, her dirty fingers, nostrils and ear cavities. The only thing I felt like giving her was a pack of wet wipes. This moment of staring at the poor girl's misery felt like ages. Then the tight traffic started to get lax and I had the chance to run away from that torture.

The thought on my poor mind was: "How the hell did your mother manage to become a parent? She doesn't deserve it. Some other people, including myself, can make much better parents."

I bet some of the readers are know running to the comment box to throw the usual: "Da nasseeb ya benty" or if they have some humour they would go with: "Balash 7eqd ya menafsena."

Our disfunctional society mocks the girl who doesn't succeed in relationships. Should she appear in any social gathering, she is asked about her second half. Who on Earth thinks you are whole.
She spends her days fearing becoming a copy or her divorced boss or her chronically single friends.

I secretly believe that all the girls who claim to need to practice motherhood need to practice something else. They must crawl before they walk, if you know what I mean. However, I will stick with the "I want to be a mother arguement." Now give me your sweet comments of: "Every woman can be a mom, what really matters is what kind of mom you are going to be."

Why can't they be moms?
The idea of adoption was brought into the spotlight when Laila Elwy and Samah Anwar went public with their adopted kids. Of course everyone thought that both of them had the child of the wedlock.
Now, if a girl in her late twenties or early thirties goes to her parents with the above suggestion, she will hear whatever her heart doesn't desire.

• You can't take care of yourself, you want another human being totally dependant on you?
• You spend all the day outdoor, who will take care of the baby?
• Enty 3aiza elnas to2oll 3aleena eh?
• If you do that, your chances in marriage are going to get slimmer.

The above are only examples, you can contribute with the replies you expect from your parents.

And then the poor girl wouldn't do the adoption she was looking forward to, she indulges herself in selfish activities or any other sort extremeism (yemken elneqab yegeeb el3arees). And one day, she finds herself fatherless, motherless and childless. She could have been lucky with a nephew or a niece or even more who get a huge part of her income. Not to mention that her siblings would be sucking her dry out of her money because they think she has no obligations and that they should enforce the equality of income distribution.

Kefaya nakad!!

P.S.: I am ovulating!

Why I am shocked..

The only thought on my mind is: that what used to be ...



is now reduced to..



I don't know what to do and how to help.

I am not a big fan of Easter

So let me be straight forward about it.. The first time I witnessed Easter I was 11 and I don't like it since then.

Starting with the facts: I don't know the difference between feseekh and renga. I practically don't care to learn the different names that we give to fish when it is rotten. My parents never bought it, the natural conclusion is they both never liked it.

I have this thing about not observing the traditions of any occaision. Proudly, I am the one who orders fish on the first day of the greater Bairam.

And now the coloured eggs, they are perfect as long as you are under the age of 10 or surrounded by children of that age. The issue of coloured eggs doesn't end there. My mom used to go on and on for hours about how I should not eat coloured eggs because we don't know if the colours used are safe or not.

Mom invented a new way, later on. She used to pierce the eggs, get empty them and use there insides for cooking. Then she gave us the semi-perfect shell for us to colour. Too much fun for my sisters, until an egg broke then the tragedy would start. However, my real tragedy was: I was already past the age of ten, and I was so uninterested.

I would want to go on with how much I loved the Easter outing which had elsa7er we elaragouz. But I think it is fair enough to tell you that I was 12 and 13 years old and dragged by my parents to such events for my sisters' entertainment. Of course any girl at the age of 12 day dreams about nothing but elaragouz beta3 sham elnessim's outing.

So today we are having steak for lunch, there is no fish in the house and I have not seen a single coloured egg. I am in peace with Easter.