هذه المرة

هذه المرة و أنت تهجرني لن تنهمر دموعي

كنت تشكو إلي مني كما هي عادتك القبيحة

هذه المرة لن أسعى لمنعك سأتركك لتذهب و لن تجد عشرات الرسائل مني تسألك عما أغضبك و لا رسالة واحدة تطلب مغفرتك

هذه المرة لن أعلن عن حزني لن يكون الأسود لون ملابسي الوحيد

لن أؤجل حفل عيد ميلادي حتى تعود. سأقف و أطفئ شمعة أخرى في عمري. و أحزن على عام أخر أمضيت أيامه إلى جوارك

ربما أبكي و أندم على أني انتظرت منك أن ترضى بما قسم الله لنا. ربما أقول لك ما كتمت طويلا. ربما أسألك لما لم تفعل شيئا !

لماذا ساقتك قدامك لتجد الأمان مع غيري ؟ لما تركت الحال على ما هو عليه و سعيت لترتاح بين ذراعي أخرى ؟

تراني أمي حائرة فتسأل عنك دون تردد ثم تلوموني و تتهمني بيتدليلك

لا أجد عزاء في صورنا سويا لكني أنظر إليها كأنها عمري كله

أتألم لفراقك كثيرا وكأني فقدت أسرتي بأكملها أو كأني فقدت طفلي حتى من فقدن أطفالهن يبقى لديهن الأمل

أتعرف ما الأمل؟ أم أنك تجمعه مع باقي أغراضك وانت تجهل ماهيته؟

Your First Breath

He touches my face again, I know he is going to do it again and that it will hurt like hell.

"Come on, don't be scared. You know very well that no one dies out of this."

His hand slides to my neck and now his thumb and his index squeeze my neck.

"You know that the first breath you will take, after I release, will feel good." He whispers.

I don't resist, cause I have grown accustomed to not resisting his madness and foolishness. After all, my silence was perhaps an approval of his second attempt to bring me joy.

He finally lets go of my neck, "Feels good, right?"

I just nodded: "Yes, feels good cause I needed the air so bad."

And that's the story of us, he holds or releases me whenever he sees appropriate. With my needs irrelevant, he only gives when he things receiving would be the maximum joy I could experience.

Paulo Coelho said

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."

Thought of the day

I'm single, not crippled!

A Secret

There is a look of comfort and confidence in the eyes of a woman emotionally secure, that attracts other men.

I am craving onions

افتكرلك إيه يا بصلة كل عضه بدمعة
...

Minor Emotional Outburst

She fought her tears as she said: "You never miss me, not at all."
He was startled with nothing to say in his defense but: "Who says so!"

His answer drove her nuts. She wanted to go on and on about how much he disregarded her and perhaps ignored her. Victimised by her powerful memory, she was flooded by a history of situations where she was simply overlooked. Anyone else can come before her. She never felt worthy of his emotional or moral support.

"But you can
Walk away
Run alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
Baby"

"It is vibes." She mentally rejected mentioning particular situations.
"You know I am not mainstream, think anti-mainstream."
"Is that even a word?" That's all she could say, she couldn't hold her tears anymore.

He tried to comfort her. The one thing he has been failing to do recently.
Perhaps, she didn't know why she wanted him anymore and hence she purposefully aborted every trial of his to improve the situation. Perhaps, it is his constant confusion that kept her from looking up to him like before.

She was coming to the sad realisation that she has caught more speed on the start of their relationship and was now ahead of him. Her vision of the relationship was based on her wishes for the best rather than facts. It seems she had fallen for the image she built in her head for him, instead of falling for the real him.

He grabbed her by the shoulder and held her close. She resisted at first just to make him feel bad, then yielded in. She wondered inside her head: "Is that really where I should be?"

"You should take some time maybe sleep on it tonight
You should take some time baby hear the words I said
You should take some time think about your life
You should take some time before you throw it all away"

He whispered to her: "I am sorry." Then he kissed her and added: "We are OK."

And hence he successfully prevented her from contemplating all those questions inside her head. However, he has done absolutely nothing to make her feel any better.

"I ain't got the time
To sit here and wait around
But I got the time
If you say I'm what you want"

Why we aren't really OKAY?

I am angry.
It feels like I was his friend, but he was never mine. I talk to him, he listens without a reaction. He would hardly ever share anything about himself. I am not allowed into his comfort zone.
I would (willingly) go places for him, and I naturally expect him to be giving. I would never intentionally annoy him, hence, I never thought my tolerance would be used. There are times, I wanted and tried to make him feel special. But I was never on the receiving side of that equation.

"Are we okay?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.
"I am sorry."
"It is not about apology. Apology doesn't mean that I would automatically feel better."
"But you cried over my shoulder."
"It doesn't mean that the bad you have done has been undone."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you keep on building walls between us with your attitude. And I go places to bring them down. Guess what, this wall is for you to practice breaking the ice."
He softly touches my shoulder saying: "It is okay."
I want to scream from the top of my lungs: "It is not fucking okay." But I don't voice out this feeling. I just say: "If I said what is on my mind, you would be hurt."
The ideas keep running back and forth in my head faster than the speed of light. I think maybe I should tell him what I really think and enjoy the relief and lose him forever. Or perhaps, it is just wise to let go of my anger at the gym and come back feeling better.

What a million hugs cannot compensate for is the fact that I felt like the worthless secondary option he has after he is done with the more interesting things in life. That's what I meant when I cried and asked: "Why are you doing this to me?"
I could be very good at coaxing him and lifting his spirits when he allows me. I can't say that my tricks would work on me, if he ever bothered test them. However, I would say that I can't bring this last wall down on my own and I don't know how to have it broken down.

"We ARE okay, right?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.

Babe, you seriously need...

to hunt me down!

Mayo's Ultimate Guide to Losing a Guy (works also on jerks)

Last night I was with a friend who decided that she wants to ditch a guy. It is necessary to mention that this girl was a run-away bride once; she manages to escape a guy but not drive him away. I don't remember walking out on a guy; I always remember driving them away. There is a certain philosophy and strategy associated with that. I will tell you all about it in the upcoming tips.

Of course most of the below guide is based on true stories, I hope no one takes offense when they read it. I will not mention names. :)

Commitment phobics: you are going to love this.

1. It is all about the selection:
This is easy. You have to have the wrong guy, the impossible guy, the taken guy, you name it. Start with the guy who needs work, knowing that you are not up to all that effort. This is not mandatory, my tips can work on a perfect match too.

2. The other woman:
Now the other woman exists in all relationships. You can be the other woman (ie go for the married guy) or you can go for your friend's ex, or the guy who was ditched by your friend, a guy with a female best friend. How does this serve the inevitable break up?? Well, the fact that he did like your friend before, or any other woman that you know, will torture you keep you up all night. You will have no outlet of your emotions except to vent out at him.

3. Be Annoyingly Jealous:
You should not accept his personal space, his friends, his late night outings with guy friends, his late working hours and of course "the other woman". These are his ways of avoiding you.

4. Create Unnecessary Confrontations:
Of course, this is highly recommended after the best dinner ever or better after a friend's wedding or engagement. Go and tell him: "I feel like there is a glass wall between us, it is not like the old days anymore". You should also try to shed a tear then.

5. Embrace his Obscurities:
This is obvious: Men and jerks alike prefer to bail out on those who supported them in their weak hours. So always be supportive and clingy in his lows he will always want you out of his life once he is back on his feet again.

6. Create Socially Uncomfortable Situations:
As easy as it sounds: hold his hand in front of the "big mouthed" common friend. Insist on PDA. Stare at him when you think he is doing something stupid (in a mommy like manner).

7. Go Nuts on him When You Feel he Comfortable
Just when you feel he is comfortable being himself with you, go ahead and take the liberty of disappearing, blocking him on instant messaging, not answering his calls. This is recommended when group activity is involved. Now everyone would know there is nasty gossip and something is going wrong between you.

8. Share Details
Men hate details. Use that: tell him about the dates of your periods, your pms and your ovulation. Believe me: even if he listens, he isn't the least interested.

9. Make Promises that You Can't Keep
Learn this trick from him. It is good practical training.

10. Bluff
No man likes to be played with.

That's all for me ladies. I can't be a worse friend now that I am recommending ways to lose the guy. Anyway, I hope you are all old and wise enough to know who is to be lost without regret and who is to keep.

I can't forgive you!

A half hearted apology, that aims at listening to a few blame words then restarting the counter and feeling fresh, leaves me so upset. Don't count on me in giving you the a fake courage of having listened to blame.
You can't tell me you are sorry for being a nasty weird bitch and expect me to let go of the anger I have been bottling up for a few weeks. I am a woman, I can hold on to this anger forever.
If you want to apologise for being weird and claim you are having a hard time, stop being weird so I can listen to you.
And just for the record: No, it wasn't when the time was wrong.

If you can't say it on FB or MSN, you have your blog

So here I am, doing one of the most irritating things ever. Here you go an annonymous PDA. I miss him but I can't stand the idea of seeing him or talking to him.
I don't like to be taken for granted. I can't handle the feeling of being around a person who is a miser about his emotion.
And let me be honest, people see me always independant, the moment I need support or ask for it they are shocked. As if it is shameful that I am a little weak.
And even if I am asking for support cause I need to be pampered, what is so bad about it.
It is extremely uncomfortable when people are emotionally distant because they are overwhelming themselves with new misery from around the globe. Even worse, they would go the extra mile for anyone but you. You are the strong girl.
I am not strong, you have to occassionally take care of me. I know I used to make my own sandwiches with I was in school. I know I paid for my masters and my car and I know I can handle all the shit. But then don't I desrve a shoulder to lay my head on after all the shit, or in the breaks between every troublesome day and the following one.
I am wondering if people see me as emotionally undeserving or they see me as not in need for emotions. Is everyone I know practically selfish, sissy and gay? Why is it always easier to tell me NO, than to say it to anybody else?
And finally.. I will not admit to you that I have been missing you, because you haven't done anything worthy of being missed.

The Wisdom I Learned in 28 Years

No one cares about your back pain, or any other sort ailment you might be going through, except your mother, and your new boyfriend (if you have been in his life for less than a month)