Friday, August 28, 2009
After being the victim of migraine for over two years now, I am making peace with it, talking about it and admitting that it makes me some times angry that I want to bang my head into the wall. It makes me sad, that I wish my life would end. It causes me pain beyond belief.
Usually, stress does it for me. But since I am documenting today only, I will tell you about this time. It was a picture. 2 days ago, I found a pin badge of a picture of me and someone else. The looks in our eyes tore through my heart. I looked things that I don't look like any more; little relaxed, secure and boastful. I brushed off the picture, threw it back where it was in the drawer. The thoughts I spent the remains of the day pondering on were means by which I can dispose this pin badge.
That day was also busy with exams and studying. I spent a lot of time using the computer and going back to the book. At 7 I left the house and drove some 15 kms for the exam and then back home. Right after I got out of the exam, I felt some cramps on the left thigh and the small of my back.
I got home that night at 11, after avoiding a couple of offers to meet some people.
The Silent Aggravation
I had intended to go shopping on Thursday morning. But all plans to do anything or meet up with anyone just crack up. Some overwhelming avoidance takes over me. So I didn't buy what I wanted to wear to meet up with friends. I even in the early hours of Thursday, made plans to meet another group of people on the other side of town.
I wanted to hide, I got dressed in very plain clothes, my hair was a mess and I didn't care. I picked up a couple of friends and took the ring road to the other side of town. Totally ignoring who I was meeting on our side of town. But I left with a note that I might come late.
When I didn't show up, I received a subtle blame on the phone. I was driving. That blame came during a 30 minute drive in the crowded old Cairo. Then and only then, I realized I had escaped the other meeting without sufficient justification. It hit me that I wanted to go and perhaps I was punishing myself.
Then and only then, I asked my companions if any of them had some pain killers for headache. But when they said they had, I thanked them because I thought that the medication was too powerful for someone who will drive in an hour and needs to remain alert.
The fresh air, the scent of old Cairo and its people didn't do anything to take my mind off the fact that I had been mean to myself.
Right after I left,I was so dizzy trying to find out why the Turkish coffee didn't work, and why I am on my way home. I had ideas of calling on of my friends going out.
I had my little laptop on! I was staring at the screen aimlessly. I needed to talk and I needed a friend. The pain, that had extended across my left arm and leg, and the left side of my face was unbearable and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I kept drying them and telling myself that I am fine and it is ok to be a little upset sometimes.
My feelings of anger were really sharp then, so was my sadness and disappointment at matters that mean nothing. I had never felt that fragile before. Thoughts, bad and angry, were racing through my head at speed of light. Only one person was on my mind with a lot of mixed feelings. "I hate you ... Don't leave me!" "I love you ... Go away!"
With the same pace of the thoughts, memories were going in my head. All about the same person. Good memories, bad ones. Major highs, ultimate disappointments.
Then fears of what I want and what I might do. I felt so much anger inside me that could have killed me. I felt so much false hope that I wanted to laugh at myself.
I kept crying and crying in my dark room hoping that the pain would go away, but I didn't. I was covered in sweat, motionless and aching until it was almost dawn.
As the sun was rising, my body was cold so cold and I wanted a cover. I decided to get up to get it. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit up, lean on arm or bend a leg. I went back to where I was. Lifting up my arm, I looked at my palm and moved it with a lot of pain, every joint hurt. By mid day I started moving around again with less pain. But my head still hurt, it was hurt to move my face, neck or lips. I was as if a truck had just passed over me. I had no energy to do anything in the world.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Shouldn't I be happy?
I should. I am counting down towards my final days at my current job, which I hate.
If you need more reference to how much I loved my job, go here.
There is no way that anyone can get rid of regret. Even when you choose the best of two bad options, or when you walk away from trouble, or when you quit a bad habit, or even have a new hobby.
You would always counter argue the benefits of your current situation with stuff like: I could have delayed my decision, I could have fought a little longer and got some privileges, Smoking was bad but fun, I can spend hours at the gym but it is very expensive.
So for my job, I could have made a right decision to go there to the best of my knowledge then.. But know to the best of my knowledge, I can't stay there for one more month.
Did I mention that one of my friends thinks that this job was slimming down my chances in getting married? Or did I tell you that my professor tells me that I am lair and a thief for accepting that job? Not that I agree with any of them, but this information would make me look more of a victim to the 5 people who will read this post.
I also found a cockroach in my coffee, the AC hasn't been working for over a month and the toilets and the dirtiest ever.
But all that wouldn't have mattered, if any of the assignments I had worked on had seen the light. I wouldn't have mattered if sick leaves were not deducted from my annual vacation balance. And finally, if I didn't have to rewrite each document no less than 30 times just to get it out in the perfect shape and have it thrown away.
Life is too short to spend in a job you don't like. It is also too short to spend jobless. All situations are unfair.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
يستأذن كريم ليقوم بالمشوار الصغير المعروف وهو زيارة الحمام بينما تجلس هى حائرة فى وحدتها فهى لا تعرف عن العالم إلا قليلاً ولا تستوعبها دونما ارشادته
أما هو مرشدها و حامل الراية والقائد لا يعرف مشاعره إتجاهها ولا يعرف إذا كان يريد الإرتباط بها أم لا وهى لا تسأل ولا تتسأل تتركه يستمتع بحريته. الحرية التى يسعى لها بكل جوارحه
يعود من مشواره الصغير ليقول:داليا أنا حاسيبيك
كريم: مش قصدى . أنا بس قصدى أنى لازم أمشى دلوقتى
داليا: بس دى طريقة غريبة قوى لصياغة الجملة سعدت داليا بنفسها سراً لاستخدامها لفظ صياغة
كريم: تصبحى على خير يا خير يا حبيبة قلبى
داليا: تصبح على خير يا كريم
تراجعت داليا فى كرسيها وجذبت خصلات شعرها فهذا هو الشئ الوحيد الذى تفعله دون الحاجة إلى مشورة او نصيحة من كريم. قالت لنفسها فى بؤس بس انت أصلأ يا كريم عمرك ما كنت معايا علشان تسيبنى
ثم أستدارت: زيزو التشيك بتاعى أنا وكريم من فضلك
فرد عليها: لا يا فندم استاذ كريم دفع الحساب تأمرى بحاجة تانية؟
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The car in front of me moved so I had to move with it to get out of that hell. I signaled her to get away. Needless to mention, I lost track of when I had become so heartless. After I stopped some 1 meter ahead, she came back. I kept looking at her, her dirty fingers, nostrils and ear cavities. The only thing I felt like giving her was a pack of wet wipes. This moment of staring at the poor girl's misery felt like ages. Then the tight traffic started to get lax and I had the chance to run away from that torture.
The thought on my poor mind was: "How the hell did your mother manage to become a parent? She doesn't deserve it. Some other people, including myself, can make much better parents."
I bet some of the readers are know running to the comment box to throw the usual: "Da nasseeb ya benty" or if they have some humour they would go with: "Balash 7eqd ya menafsena."
Our disfunctional society mocks the girl who doesn't succeed in relationships. Should she appear in any social gathering, she is asked about her second half. Who on Earth thinks you are whole.
She spends her days fearing becoming a copy or her divorced boss or her chronically single friends.
I secretly believe that all the girls who claim to need to practice motherhood need to practice something else. They must crawl before they walk, if you know what I mean. However, I will stick with the "I want to be a mother arguement." Now give me your sweet comments of: "Every woman can be a mom, what really matters is what kind of mom you are going to be."
Why can't they be moms?
The idea of adoption was brought into the spotlight when Laila Elwy and Samah Anwar went public with their adopted kids. Of course everyone thought that both of them had the child of the wedlock.
Now, if a girl in her late twenties or early thirties goes to her parents with the above suggestion, she will hear whatever her heart doesn't desire.
- You can't take care of yourself, you want another human being totally dependant on you?
- You spend all the day outdoor, who will take care of the baby?
- Enty 3aiza elnas to2oll 3aleena eh?
- If you do that, your chances in marriage are going to get slimmer.
And then the poor girl wouldn't do the adoption she was looking forward to, she indulges herself in selfish activities or any other sort extremeism (yemken elneqab yegeeb el3arees). And one day, she finds herself fatherless, motherless and childless. She could have been lucky with a nephew or a niece or even more who get a huge part of her income. Not to mention that her siblings would be sucking her dry out of her money because they think she has no obligations and that they should enforce the equality of income distribution.
P.S.: I am ovulating!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Starting with the facts: I don't know the difference between feseekh and renga. I practically don't care to learn the different names that we give to fish when it is rotten. My parents never bought it, the natural conclusion is they both never liked it.
I have this thing about not observing the traditions of any occaision. Proudly, I am the one who orders fish on the first day of the greater Bairam.
And now the coloured eggs, they are perfect as long as you are under the age of 10 or surrounded by children of that age. The issue of coloured eggs doesn't end there. My mom used to go on and on for hours about how I should not eat coloured eggs because we don't know if the colours used are safe or not.
Mom invented a new way, later on. She used to pierce the eggs, get empty them and use there insides for cooking. Then she gave us the semi-perfect shell for us to colour. Too much fun for my sisters, until an egg broke then the tragedy would start. However, my real tragedy was: I was already past the age of ten, and I was so uninterested.
I would want to go on with how much I loved the Easter outing which had elsa7er we elaragouz. But I think it is fair enough to tell you that I was 12 and 13 years old and dragged by my parents to such events for my sisters' entertainment. Of course any girl at the age of 12 day dreams about nothing but elaragouz beta3 sham elnessim's outing.
So today we are having steak for lunch, there is no fish in the house and I have not seen a single coloured egg. I am in peace with Easter.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
|Mayo took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!|
""Longs for a loving, caring, and supportive relati..."
Or don't click and just read below, if interested...
Free personality analysis of Mayo.
Generated on Sun, 19 Apr 2009 14:05:54 -0700
Mayo's Existing Situation
"Very emotional and artistic, enjoys being surrounded by beauty and art. Looking for a partner who always has an eye for beauty and who enjoys close, loving relationships."
Mayo's Stress Sources
"Has high standards and wants to make friends with those who have equally high standards; however, she has been unsuccessful in building these types of relationships. she is feeling under appreciated and her self-esteem is damaged because of it. she is uncomfortable with the situation and wishes to escape, but refuses to make compromises or lower her standards. Puts off resolving her problems because she afraid of the conflicts it may cause. In order to feel secure, she needs to feel appreciated by others so they will do what she asks of them and respect her opinions"
Mayo's Restrained Characteristics
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.
"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."
"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
Mayo's Desired Objective
"Longs for a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and fanaticizes of living in perfect harmony with others. Has a strong desire for tenderness and affection and enjoys things which are artistically pleasing to the eye."
Mayo's Actual Problem
"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."
Mayo's Actual Problem #2
"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Note: It is along post... however, don't ignore the bold lines.
When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.
When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.
Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesnʹt feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or othersʹ problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix‐It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesnʹt feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.
On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the
more upset she becomes. He doesnʹt realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.
Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:
• ʺIʹm not getting paid enough at work.ʺ
• ʺMY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker.ʺ
• ʺOur house just isnʹt big enough.ʺ
• ʺThis is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.
• ʺWe are almost overdrawn in our bank account.ʺ
A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner‐unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better.
Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes impatient. Again he doesnʹt realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.
In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.
Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more
feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily frustrated.
The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesnʹt have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
But bare with me and I will try to make myself clear by the end of this post.
It all started with a picture. A picture of an act on the stage of life, where another actress was playing a role I thought would have been mine.
Don't get me wrong. I am not sad at all. I don't care. On the contrary, I am kind of pleased I wasn't.
Sometime ago, I visualized myself in playing that role over and over again. But the day dreaming is now over. And the play was shown but I wasn't there.
The play was shown with its typical actors and audience, only I wasn't there.
On the bright side, I am not sad. I am so pleased.
I know, even though I never confess it, that I share part of the blame of why I am not the one up there.
My heart finds no desire to feel sadness or regret over that role. My heart is busy... busy enjoying how God has blessed me in more than one way with sufficient compensation. God has helped feel no desire for this part in that play. He has mercifully and wisely given me what I needed and taken away what I thought I wanted.
Thank you God! It was a trade-off in my best interest.
I know it is a bit corny but I will finish off with a song. Just don't take it literally.