Friday, August 28, 2009
After being the victim of migraine for over two years now, I am making peace with it, talking about it and admitting that it makes me some times angry that I want to bang my head into the wall. It makes me sad, that I wish my life would end. It causes me pain beyond belief.
Usually, stress does it for me. But since I am documenting today only, I will tell you about this time. It was a picture. 2 days ago, I found a pin badge of a picture of me and someone else. The looks in our eyes tore through my heart. I looked things that I don't look like any more; little relaxed, secure and boastful. I brushed off the picture, threw it back where it was in the drawer. The thoughts I spent the remains of the day pondering on were means by which I can dispose this pin badge.
That day was also busy with exams and studying. I spent a lot of time using the computer and going back to the book. At 7 I left the house and drove some 15 kms for the exam and then back home. Right after I got out of the exam, I felt some cramps on the left thigh and the small of my back.
I got home that night at 11, after avoiding a couple of offers to meet some people.
The Silent Aggravation
I had intended to go shopping on Thursday morning. But all plans to do anything or meet up with anyone just crack up. Some overwhelming avoidance takes over me. So I didn't buy what I wanted to wear to meet up with friends. I even in the early hours of Thursday, made plans to meet another group of people on the other side of town.
I wanted to hide, I got dressed in very plain clothes, my hair was a mess and I didn't care. I picked up a couple of friends and took the ring road to the other side of town. Totally ignoring who I was meeting on our side of town. But I left with a note that I might come late.
When I didn't show up, I received a subtle blame on the phone. I was driving. That blame came during a 30 minute drive in the crowded old Cairo. Then and only then, I realized I had escaped the other meeting without sufficient justification. It hit me that I wanted to go and perhaps I was punishing myself.
Then and only then, I asked my companions if any of them had some pain killers for headache. But when they said they had, I thanked them because I thought that the medication was too powerful for someone who will drive in an hour and needs to remain alert.
The fresh air, the scent of old Cairo and its people didn't do anything to take my mind off the fact that I had been mean to myself.
Right after I left,I was so dizzy trying to find out why the Turkish coffee didn't work, and why I am on my way home. I had ideas of calling on of my friends going out.
I had my little laptop on! I was staring at the screen aimlessly. I needed to talk and I needed a friend. The pain, that had extended across my left arm and leg, and the left side of my face was unbearable and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I kept drying them and telling myself that I am fine and it is ok to be a little upset sometimes.
My feelings of anger were really sharp then, so was my sadness and disappointment at matters that mean nothing. I had never felt that fragile before. Thoughts, bad and angry, were racing through my head at speed of light. Only one person was on my mind with a lot of mixed feelings. "I hate you ... Don't leave me!" "I love you ... Go away!"
With the same pace of the thoughts, memories were going in my head. All about the same person. Good memories, bad ones. Major highs, ultimate disappointments.
Then fears of what I want and what I might do. I felt so much anger inside me that could have killed me. I felt so much false hope that I wanted to laugh at myself.
I kept crying and crying in my dark room hoping that the pain would go away, but I didn't. I was covered in sweat, motionless and aching until it was almost dawn.
As the sun was rising, my body was cold so cold and I wanted a cover. I decided to get up to get it. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit up, lean on arm or bend a leg. I went back to where I was. Lifting up my arm, I looked at my palm and moved it with a lot of pain, every joint hurt. By mid day I started moving around again with less pain. But my head still hurt, it was hurt to move my face, neck or lips. I was as if a truck had just passed over me. I had no energy to do anything in the world.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Shouldn't I be happy?
I should. I am counting down towards my final days at my current job, which I hate.
If you need more reference to how much I loved my job, go here.
There is no way that anyone can get rid of regret. Even when you choose the best of two bad options, or when you walk away from trouble, or when you quit a bad habit, or even have a new hobby.
You would always counter argue the benefits of your current situation with stuff like: I could have delayed my decision, I could have fought a little longer and got some privileges, Smoking was bad but fun, I can spend hours at the gym but it is very expensive.
So for my job, I could have made a right decision to go there to the best of my knowledge then.. But know to the best of my knowledge, I can't stay there for one more month.
Did I mention that one of my friends thinks that this job was slimming down my chances in getting married? Or did I tell you that my professor tells me that I am lair and a thief for accepting that job? Not that I agree with any of them, but this information would make me look more of a victim to the 5 people who will read this post.
I also found a cockroach in my coffee, the AC hasn't been working for over a month and the toilets and the dirtiest ever.
But all that wouldn't have mattered, if any of the assignments I had worked on had seen the light. I wouldn't have mattered if sick leaves were not deducted from my annual vacation balance. And finally, if I didn't have to rewrite each document no less than 30 times just to get it out in the perfect shape and have it thrown away.
Life is too short to spend in a job you don't like. It is also too short to spend jobless. All situations are unfair.