Sunday, March 21, 2010

Mayo's Ultimate Guide to Losing a Guy (works also on jerks)

Last night I was with a friend who decided that she wants to ditch a guy. It is necessary to mention that this girl was a run-away bride once; she manages to escape a guy but not drive him away. I don't remember walking out on a guy; I always remember driving them away. There is a certain philosophy and strategy associated with that. I will tell you all about it in the upcoming tips.

Of course most of the below guide is based on true stories, I hope no one takes offense when they read it. I will not mention names. :)

Commitment phobics: you are going to love this.

1. It is all about the selection:
This is easy. You have to have the wrong guy, the impossible guy, the taken guy, you name it. Start with the guy who needs work, knowing that you are not up to all that effort. This is not mandatory, my tips can work on a perfect match too.

2. The other woman:
Now the other woman exists in all relationships. You can be the other woman (ie go for the married guy) or you can go for your friend's ex, or the guy who was ditched by your friend, a guy with a female best friend. How does this serve the inevitable break up?? Well, the fact that he did like your friend before, or any other woman that you know, will torture you keep you up all night. You will have no outlet of your emotions except to vent out at him.

3. Be Annoyingly Jealous:
You should not accept his personal space, his friends, his late night outings with guy friends, his late working hours and of course "the other woman". These are his ways of avoiding you.

4. Create Unnecessary Confrontations:
Of course, this is highly recommended after the best dinner ever or better after a friend's wedding or engagement. Go and tell him: "I feel like there is a glass wall between us, it is not like the old days anymore". You should also try to shed a tear then.

5. Embrace his Obscurities:
This is obvious: Men and jerks alike prefer to bail out on those who supported them in their weak hours. So always be supportive and clingy in his lows he will always want you out of his life once he is back on his feet again.

6. Create Socially Uncomfortable Situations:
As easy as it sounds: hold his hand in front of the "big mouthed" common friend. Insist on PDA. Stare at him when you think he is doing something stupid (in a mommy like manner).

7. Go Nuts on him When You Feel he Comfortable
Just when you feel he is comfortable being himself with you, go ahead and take the liberty of disappearing, blocking him on instant messaging, not answering his calls. This is recommended when group activity is involved. Now everyone would know there is nasty gossip and something is going wrong between you.

8. Share Details
Men hate details. Use that: tell him about the dates of your periods, your pms and your ovulation. Believe me: even if he listens, he isn't the least interested.

9. Make Promises that You Can't Keep
Learn this trick from him. It is good practical training.

10. Bluff
No man likes to be played with.

That's all for me ladies. I can't be a worse friend now that I am recommending ways to lose the guy. Anyway, I hope you are all old and wise enough to know who is to be lost without regret and who is to keep.

1 comment:

Haroun El Poussah said...

You are mistaken about men not being interested in the dates of your period.

No sex during periods. Hence We are VERY interested