I am angry.
It feels like I was his friend, but he was never mine. I talk to him, he listens without a reaction. He would hardly ever share anything about himself. I am not allowed into his comfort zone.
I would (willingly) go places for him, and I naturally expect him to be giving. I would never intentionally annoy him, hence, I never thought my tolerance would be used. There are times, I wanted and tried to make him feel special. But I was never on the receiving side of that equation.
"Are we okay?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.
"I am sorry."
"It is not about apology. Apology doesn't mean that I would automatically feel better."
"But you cried over my shoulder."
"It doesn't mean that the bad you have done has been undone."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you keep on building walls between us with your attitude. And I go places to bring them down. Guess what, this wall is for you to practice breaking the ice."
He softly touches my shoulder saying: "It is okay."
I want to scream from the top of my lungs: "It is not fucking okay." But I don't voice out this feeling. I just say: "If I said what is on my mind, you would be hurt."
The ideas keep running back and forth in my head faster than the speed of light. I think maybe I should tell him what I really think and enjoy the relief and lose him forever. Or perhaps, it is just wise to let go of my anger at the gym and come back feeling better.
What a million hugs cannot compensate for is the fact that I felt like the worthless secondary option he has after he is done with the more interesting things in life. That's what I meant when I cried and asked: "Why are you doing this to me?"
I could be very good at coaxing him and lifting his spirits when he allows me. I can't say that my tricks would work on me, if he ever bothered test them. However, I would say that I can't bring this last wall down on my own and I don't know how to have it broken down.
"We ARE okay, right?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Mayo's Ultimate Guide to Losing a Guy (works also on jerks)
Last night I was with a friend who decided that she wants to ditch a guy. It is necessary to mention that this girl was a run-away bride once; she manages to escape a guy but not drive him away. I don't remember walking out on a guy; I always remember driving them away. There is a certain philosophy and strategy associated with that. I will tell you all about it in the upcoming tips.
Of course most of the below guide is based on true stories, I hope no one takes offense when they read it. I will not mention names. :)
Commitment phobics: you are going to love this.
1. It is all about the selection:
This is easy. You have to have the wrong guy, the impossible guy, the taken guy, you name it. Start with the guy who needs work, knowing that you are not up to all that effort. This is not mandatory, my tips can work on a perfect match too.
2. The other woman:
Now the other woman exists in all relationships. You can be the other woman (ie go for the married guy) or you can go for your friend's ex, or the guy who was ditched by your friend, a guy with a female best friend. How does this serve the inevitable break up?? Well, the fact that he did like your friend before, or any other woman that you know, will torture you keep you up all night. You will have no outlet of your emotions except to vent out at him.
3. Be Annoyingly Jealous:
You should not accept his personal space, his friends, his late night outings with guy friends, his late working hours and of course "the other woman". These are his ways of avoiding you.
4. Create Unnecessary Confrontations:
Of course, this is highly recommended after the best dinner ever or better after a friend's wedding or engagement. Go and tell him: "I feel like there is a glass wall between us, it is not like the old days anymore". You should also try to shed a tear then.
5. Embrace his Obscurities:
This is obvious: Men and jerks alike prefer to bail out on those who supported them in their weak hours. So always be supportive and clingy in his lows he will always want you out of his life once he is back on his feet again.
6. Create Socially Uncomfortable Situations:
As easy as it sounds: hold his hand in front of the "big mouthed" common friend. Insist on PDA. Stare at him when you think he is doing something stupid (in a mommy like manner).
7. Go Nuts on him When You Feel he Comfortable
Just when you feel he is comfortable being himself with you, go ahead and take the liberty of disappearing, blocking him on instant messaging, not answering his calls. This is recommended when group activity is involved. Now everyone would know there is nasty gossip and something is going wrong between you.
8. Share Details
Men hate details. Use that: tell him about the dates of your periods, your pms and your ovulation. Believe me: even if he listens, he isn't the least interested.
9. Make Promises that You Can't Keep
Learn this trick from him. It is good practical training.
10. Bluff
No man likes to be played with.
That's all for me ladies. I can't be a worse friend now that I am recommending ways to lose the guy. Anyway, I hope you are all old and wise enough to know who is to be lost without regret and who is to keep.
Of course most of the below guide is based on true stories, I hope no one takes offense when they read it. I will not mention names. :)
Commitment phobics: you are going to love this.
1. It is all about the selection:
This is easy. You have to have the wrong guy, the impossible guy, the taken guy, you name it. Start with the guy who needs work, knowing that you are not up to all that effort. This is not mandatory, my tips can work on a perfect match too.
2. The other woman:
Now the other woman exists in all relationships. You can be the other woman (ie go for the married guy) or you can go for your friend's ex, or the guy who was ditched by your friend, a guy with a female best friend. How does this serve the inevitable break up?? Well, the fact that he did like your friend before, or any other woman that you know, will torture you keep you up all night. You will have no outlet of your emotions except to vent out at him.
3. Be Annoyingly Jealous:
You should not accept his personal space, his friends, his late night outings with guy friends, his late working hours and of course "the other woman". These are his ways of avoiding you.
4. Create Unnecessary Confrontations:
Of course, this is highly recommended after the best dinner ever or better after a friend's wedding or engagement. Go and tell him: "I feel like there is a glass wall between us, it is not like the old days anymore". You should also try to shed a tear then.
5. Embrace his Obscurities:
This is obvious: Men and jerks alike prefer to bail out on those who supported them in their weak hours. So always be supportive and clingy in his lows he will always want you out of his life once he is back on his feet again.
6. Create Socially Uncomfortable Situations:
As easy as it sounds: hold his hand in front of the "big mouthed" common friend. Insist on PDA. Stare at him when you think he is doing something stupid (in a mommy like manner).
7. Go Nuts on him When You Feel he Comfortable
Just when you feel he is comfortable being himself with you, go ahead and take the liberty of disappearing, blocking him on instant messaging, not answering his calls. This is recommended when group activity is involved. Now everyone would know there is nasty gossip and something is going wrong between you.
8. Share Details
Men hate details. Use that: tell him about the dates of your periods, your pms and your ovulation. Believe me: even if he listens, he isn't the least interested.
9. Make Promises that You Can't Keep
Learn this trick from him. It is good practical training.
10. Bluff
No man likes to be played with.
That's all for me ladies. I can't be a worse friend now that I am recommending ways to lose the guy. Anyway, I hope you are all old and wise enough to know who is to be lost without regret and who is to keep.
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