Minor Emotional Outburst

She fought her tears as she said: "You never miss me, not at all."
He was startled with nothing to say in his defense but: "Who says so!"

His answer drove her nuts. She wanted to go on and on about how much he disregarded her and perhaps ignored her. Victimised by her powerful memory, she was flooded by a history of situations where she was simply overlooked. Anyone else can come before her. She never felt worthy of his emotional or moral support.

"But you can
Walk away
Run alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
Baby"

"It is vibes." She mentally rejected mentioning particular situations.
"You know I am not mainstream, think anti-mainstream."
"Is that even a word?" That's all she could say, she couldn't hold her tears anymore.

He tried to comfort her. The one thing he has been failing to do recently.
Perhaps, she didn't know why she wanted him anymore and hence she purposefully aborted every trial of his to improve the situation. Perhaps, it is his constant confusion that kept her from looking up to him like before.

She was coming to the sad realisation that she has caught more speed on the start of their relationship and was now ahead of him. Her vision of the relationship was based on her wishes for the best rather than facts. It seems she had fallen for the image she built in her head for him, instead of falling for the real him.

He grabbed her by the shoulder and held her close. She resisted at first just to make him feel bad, then yielded in. She wondered inside her head: "Is that really where I should be?"

"You should take some time maybe sleep on it tonight
You should take some time baby hear the words I said
You should take some time think about your life
You should take some time before you throw it all away"

He whispered to her: "I am sorry." Then he kissed her and added: "We are OK."

And hence he successfully prevented her from contemplating all those questions inside her head. However, he has done absolutely nothing to make her feel any better.

"I ain't got the time
To sit here and wait around
But I got the time
If you say I'm what you want"

Why we aren't really OKAY?

I am angry.
It feels like I was his friend, but he was never mine. I talk to him, he listens without a reaction. He would hardly ever share anything about himself. I am not allowed into his comfort zone.
I would (willingly) go places for him, and I naturally expect him to be giving. I would never intentionally annoy him, hence, I never thought my tolerance would be used. There are times, I wanted and tried to make him feel special. But I was never on the receiving side of that equation.

"Are we okay?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.
"I am sorry."
"It is not about apology. Apology doesn't mean that I would automatically feel better."
"But you cried over my shoulder."
"It doesn't mean that the bad you have done has been undone."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you keep on building walls between us with your attitude. And I go places to bring them down. Guess what, this wall is for you to practice breaking the ice."
He softly touches my shoulder saying: "It is okay."
I want to scream from the top of my lungs: "It is not fucking okay." But I don't voice out this feeling. I just say: "If I said what is on my mind, you would be hurt."
The ideas keep running back and forth in my head faster than the speed of light. I think maybe I should tell him what I really think and enjoy the relief and lose him forever. Or perhaps, it is just wise to let go of my anger at the gym and come back feeling better.

What a million hugs cannot compensate for is the fact that I felt like the worthless secondary option he has after he is done with the more interesting things in life. That's what I meant when I cried and asked: "Why are you doing this to me?"
I could be very good at coaxing him and lifting his spirits when he allows me. I can't say that my tricks would work on me, if he ever bothered test them. However, I would say that I can't bring this last wall down on my own and I don't know how to have it broken down.

"We ARE okay, right?" He asked.
"No we are not" I answered.

Babe, you seriously need...

to hunt me down!